Roni Sees A French Porn-ish Movie

Post-"Les Tringleuses"

Part of the beauty of traveling are all of the crazy situations you can find yourself in.  Another thing that happens is that if you travel long enough, you’re bound to be in the same city as someone you had met previously.

I stayed with Said and Phillipe in Strasbourg about a year ago.  We’ve loosely kept in touch since.

I found out that Said was in Lyon, via Phillipe on MSN.  I texted Said and he invited me to some “weird foreign porno”, which he was going to with two girls.

I finished my conversations online, popped by McDonald’s for a bag dinner and headed to the movie theater.

Walking in, I was greeted by a girl “Bisounours?”

This was my nickname from the aforementioned guys.  (Les Bisounours are the Care Bears, in French.)

At the ticket sellers, I went for my wallet, but was enthusiastically told, “We invite you!” (which is the broken English for, “We’ll treat you”), with the addendum of the girls being the ones paying for it, because “How often do we get to treat a guy to a porno movie?”

The movie had started a few minutes before we arrived, so we scuttled to Screen #4.

The next portion of this entry contains explicit sexual content and adult language.  Continue at your own risk.

We walked into the theater and were greeted by a naked woman going at herself with a dildo on the screen.  Naked, saying things about dicks and wanting more, etc.

And that was just the beginning.  It then progressed to hardcore sex scenes with this woman, then back to her fondling her labia, etc.  Not at all what I expected.

The theater was almost full.  I wondered if one could fill an American movie theater with the same movie, with a demographic of mostly 20-somethings.

It turned out that this was just a trailer.  I wasn’t sure if it was a fake or real trailer.  Starting to watch the movie, I wasn’t sure if it was in a 1970’s style, a la Grindhouse and the like, with deliberately messed up ‘film’, or if it was actually old.  I was fairly convinced that it was parody for the first hour or so.  Turned out, it wasn’t.  It’s a 1974 movie called Les Tringleuses.  This movie was part of a larger festival, L’etrange Festival Lyon.

It was a stunningly bad, cliched movie, with the most graphic porn possible, within the range of intercourse and oral sex.  Genitals everywhere.  Close-ups of lesbian 69’s, which then became threesomes, with the guy beginning to have sex with the woman on top.  Just graphic stuff.

But, it had a plot, as well.  A plot that wasn’t totally related to the sex.

Warning: There be spoilers here.  Also, I might have missed some things as it was, after all, in French.

The movie starts off with a black detective.  It turns out there are some jewel thieves who are tracking down a doctor.  The detective is trying to track the bad guys down.

That’s pretty much the crux of it.  But it’s a bit weirder than that, especially when we find out later that the black detectives parents are both white, and that the father has black roots, and sometimes it just “skips a generation”, causing the father to have a white son and a black son.

This sets us up for the plot twist where one of the bad guys is actually the brother of the detective and the conclusion that one is “black on the outside and white on the inside” and the other is “white on the outside and black on the inside.”

Profound.

It’s also a violent flick, with a finger being chopped off and a few deaths by gunshot.  And one brief, non-graphic rape, which is followed by the Asian villain using his karate abilities to kill the woman with a blow to the neck.

And mixed in are two threesomes (one of which is with the old doctor, who has a hideous penis, which we are forced to watch in closeup, thrusting up into one of his female partners, in a 1970’s mix of hair that stuns the modern mind), as well as various lesbian and couple scenes.  Some of which extend past the sex, to the people doing things naked in their apartment, then returning to bed, having a naked, reclined discussion with genitals in full view.

Toward the end of the movie, people started walking out, presumably to get to the Metro (subway).  The crowd seemed to be enjoying it, watching it as uproarious, non-deliberate camp.

When the villains were getting closer to getting caught, I was startled by hearing ‘Hey’ to my left.  A girl right by my ear says, “I give you my phone number if you want to call me.”  And off she went.

No name on this tiny piece of paper.  Just a number.  Said and the girls thought this was the best thing ever.  I was thrown off.  Given the number of a girl behind you, who has not even seen your face, but has only heard your cries of disgust and random “What the hell?!” screams.

All-in-all, two big thumbs up.

No, I mean, really, it was just a very odd night.  One of Said’s friends asked me afterwards if I enjoyed it. I didn’t know how to answer.  All I could say was “I experienced it.”

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3 Responses to Roni Sees A French Porn-ish Movie

  1. […] his video blog featuring him enjoying fatty duck breast in Toulouse and his hilarious review of a “porn-ish” movie in […]

  2. Matt says:

    So, did you call the girl?

  3. roniweiss says:

    Yep.

    Went over to her place and she offered me a joint.

    We watched Death Proof as she laid her head on my shoulder. Her roommate showed up, the girl asked how I was getting home and off I went, without so much as a goodnight kiss.

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